Steps for Resolving Conflicts in Marriage
Listen; no matter how much you may not want to admit it, conflict is common to all marriages. Consider the fact that you start with two selfish people, from different backgrounds, personalities and perspectives. Now you add a few habits and quirks, throw in a multitude of expectations, and then turn up the heat with the grind and challenges of daily living. Guess what? You are going to disagree with your spouse about something. It’s unavoidable. Since every marriage has its conflicts it isn’t a matter of avoiding them, but knowing how to deal with them. Conflict in marriage can lead to growth or isolation. You and your partner must decide how you will respond when conflict arises.
Step one: Resolving conflict requires understanding, accepting and accommodating your differences.
Have you ever wondered why opposite people find themselves in the same home. Why are people drawn to someone whose traits are opposite of their own? A task-oriented person marries a people person. The punctual person marries the one who struggles to be on time. The talker needs to do more listening and the listener needs to do more talking. Your spouse added a variety, spice, a different focus that it didn’t have before. We put ourselves in a position to learn, grow, and appreciate a different way of responding and then we refused to change. The differences and uniqueness that should create a more effective team end up dividing and becomes a wedge that pushes marriages apart. You may find that your backgrounds and personalities are so different who wonder how and why God put you together in the first place. It is important to understand these differences, and then accept and accommodate or adjust to them. Adam accepted God’s gift of Eve, you are called to accept God’s gift to you. Is it possible that your spouse completes you in ways you haven’t learned of accepted yet?
Step 2: Resolving conflict requires eliminating selfishness
Is it possible to say that all marriage conflict begin selfishness? When a couple starts dating, it is generally all each person’s own interests. “I like what you do for me. I like the way you make me feel. When I am with you I am happy. You make feel validated.” Often marriage is the ultimate in narcissistic expression. The reason you got married was because of what he/she did for you. But then you get these two people together and something has to give. Couples who are able to make the transition from selfishness, me-centered thinking, where the husband and wife realize they are not going to get everything they want are the marriages that make it. Unfortunately, the opposite also applies.
Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. My wife and I have seen the Bible’s plan work in our lives and in our daily interactions. We have not changed each other, but God has changed both of us. The answer for changing selfishness is found in Jesus and his teachings. He showed us that if we want to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must be willing to serve. Instead of trying to save our lives we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In other words, if we want to eliminate selfishness we must give up your will to Christ and then find it possible to give up your will for your spouse.
Step Three: Resolving Conflict requires confessing your faults instead of finger pointing.
When there is conflict between you and your spouse, first understand and determine your part. Is it your attitude, defensiveness, tone of voice, actions, or your choice of words contributing to the conflict? Begin by sincerely confessing your contribution to the conflict before considering your mates faults. Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the speck out of your brothers eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matt. 5:3,5). Honesty is the quickest way to resolve any conflict. When you humbly acknowledge your faults your spouse doesn’t have to convince you where you need to change. Plus it is hypocritical to point your finger at your spouse when personal change will go a long way to resolving the conflict.
Step Four: Resolving conflict requires forgiveness.
No matter how two people try to love and please each other, they will fail. The result of failure is hurt. And the ultimate relief for hurt is forgiveness. The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and rewarding marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. The ability to do that is tied to a person’s relationship with God. To forgive is not an option; it is a command. Jesus said, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11: 25, 26). This of course would include your interaction with your spouse.
It would be good to remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. A choice to make a positive decision, to please God and keep short accounts with your spouse. Most of us never feel like forgiving anyone. The feeling of forgiveness only comes as you choose to forgive. Therefore, “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as Christ also forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). Decide to show mercy and forgive. Doing so is the beginning of finding solutions in your marriage.
Step Five: Resolving conflict requires blessing rather than insulting your spouse.
First Peter tells us, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” Husbands and wives can become very good at trading insults. Some couples don’t know any other way to relate to the other. What does it mean to return a blessing for an insult? It means to change your natural tendency to lash out, fight back, or get even. It means refusing to return to retaliate if your spouse gets angry. It also means doing good. Sometimes a few words spoken kindly and gently, or perhaps a hug, or a special act of kindness and service goes a long way.
Step Six: Resolving conflict requires taking action if your spouse will not.
When you take action to love, forgive and change even when your spouse will not, this brings powerful encouragement to respond in kind. Jesus said, “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them…” (Matt 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to respond to you? Then respond to them accordingly.
This is all about pursuing the other person. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” To live at peace with everyone means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take a step.
Step Seven: Resolving conflict may require seeking out a professional Christian counselor.
A Christian counselor can help you gain a clear understanding of the Biblical and heart issues involved in your conflict. He or she can provide support, insight and fresh strategies to help you and your spouse move toward fresh perspective and growth. Christian counseling can be a powerful resource to help you and your spouse. When couples get the help they need, combined with a desire to love and nurture their spouse, they will experience the change and growth they are looking for.